Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The футбол

It’s that time of the… decade? Hang on… ah, right…

Welcome! It’s that time of the quadrennial where we once again encounter a clash of a nations from around the world in the sport which, naturally, the British think they invented. Which of course, they didn’t. (For reference, it was probably the Chinese. Or the Greeks. Or the Romans. Or the Egyptians. But definitely not the British)

Anyhow, getting sidetracked. It’s the Football World Cup 2018! Woo! It’s got 32 teams from around the world! Woo! England are in it! Woo! It’s being held in Russia!

*ahem* Moving on…

As is now traditional in the office, as in many offices around the world, we hold a sweepstake. However, unlike many offices around the world, this one has me organising it. Therefore, I get to write this GDPR-compliant commentary!

Ladies and gentlemen. Boys and girls. Other. Welcome… TO THE JEMMETT FOX WORLD CUP SWEEPSTAKE RESULTS!

Yes yes, an amazing occasion to be sure. But without further ado, let’s dive straight in to the results!

First on stage… IT’S M*** “The Lucky Git” C**** (censored for GDPR purposes)

Yes, as is usual for these occasions, M*** has once again been lucky. His interests in the tournament will be represented by – ARGENTINA, AUSTRALIA, PORTUGAL & SPAIN! He does this every time we have a sweepstake. Weirdly though, none of these teams are the favourites, despite having the two best players in the world in there. With 3 potential winners, and a bunch of Aussies, his best odds of winning come from SPAIN at 5/1!

STAR PLAYER: Cristiano Ronaldo

Thank you, thank you, moving on. Introducing our next contestant! It’s C**** “Spetsnaz” A****** (censored for GDPR purposes), who this summer will be represented by – BELGIUM, COSTA RICA, RUSSIA & SENEGAL! Young C**** has done ok here – BELGIUM are always thought of as dark horses, although they’ve never lived up to that despite having some serious talent, and he’s drawn the hosts RUSSIA. The hosts always seem to do better than they should, but hopefully not this time! Anyhow, best odds for C**** on the win – BELGIUM at 10/1!

STAR PLAYER: Kevin de Bruyne

Woo! Yeh! Now, next up, L** “The Exotic Maiden” C*****! (censored for GDPR purposes). She’ll be represented by – BRAZIL, EGYPT, IRAN & URUGUAY! L** lucked out by picking the pre-tournament favourites BRAZIL, but will their stupid hair styles prevent them from winning the big prize this year? They also have the most expensive player in the world to call on, but given the fact his club are already looking to sell him after a year, is it more a case of him having the most expensive ego? She also picked URUGUAY, who of course have Louis Suarez – aka “The Shark”, who you can get odds at 400/1 for him biting someone at the tournament. L**’s best bet – 4/1 for the favourites of course, BRAZIL!

STAR PLAYER: Neymar

Next on the scene – M****** “The Teabagger” J******! (censored for GDPR purposes). Unable to appear the draw in person, he will be represented in absentia by – COLOMBIA, ENGLAND, JAPAN & MEXICO! A worldwide effort here. JAPAN and MEXICO both have solid teams, whilst COLOMBIA have a couple of great players but little else. ENGLAND are some stupid crappy little team who have potentially the worst defence in the tournament, so they’ll struggle to get out of the group. Even then, they (somehow) give M****** his best odds of 14/1. Although the 33/1 for COLUMBIA would be a better bet.

STAR PLAYER: James Rodriguez

And now, weighing in at 140 pounds… oh wait, wrong announcer mode. Ahem. It’s J****** “La Bomba” B**** (censored for GDPR purposes), who tonight will be – CROATIA, DENMARK, PANAMA & SOUTH KOREA! What an average draw he got. Again, solid teams in CROATIA and DENMARK, but unspectacular and not good odds for the win. PANAMA will probably be gone soon when Donald Trump gets around to conquering South America. SOUTH KOREA will probably go the same way as the American backed invasion from Trump’s bum chum Kim Jong Un enters its next stages. Best odds of a win for J*******DENMARK at 66/1

STAR PLAYER: Simon Kjaer

Moving on – it’s R****** “The Boss” J******! (censored for GDPR purposes). He’s going to be represented by – FRANCE, POLAND, SERBIA & SWITZERLAND! What a lovely (relatively) close set of countries to form an empire. FRANCE obviously have a good chance, but don’t write-off POLAND springing a surprise – their team is known for pacy players, and as any FIFA player will tell you, pace means pretty much everything in a realistic football setting. SWITZERLAND and SERBIA have lost their best players due to age since the last World Cup, so don’t expect much from them. Best odds – FRANCE at 6/1!

STAR PLAYER: Hmmm…. Antoine Griezmann

Next up – tonight Matthew, I will be… me! I will be represented by – GERMANY, MOROCCO, NIGERIA & SWEDEN! All the best countries, obviously. GERMANY known for bratwurst, SWEDEN famous for IKEA meatballs, MOROCCO known for silly little hats, and NIGERIA famous for… umm… (quick Google) oil apparently! Anyway, all these teams are definitely going to win all their matches. It’s impossible to pick the best team since they are all so good, but apparently GERMANY have the best odds at 5/1!

STAR PLAYER: Jurgen Klinsmann (wait…)

And last, but certainly not least, it’s W**** “The Disinterested” O******! (censored for GDPR purposes). Getting someone else to pick her teams was a mistake, as she will be represented by – ICELAND, PERU, SAUDI ARABIA & TUNISIA! … The less said about these teams the better, apart from ICELAND, who of course are famous for beating a poxy little team from an island nation at EURO 2016, and in doing so obtained a large number of supporters from the losing nation. Watch out for fireworks from SAUDI ARABIA though – they’ve got a lot to prove at this tournament. IE that they have to do better than EGYPT. Best odds, not that it matters since none of these teams have a hope in hell – PERU apparently at 150/1!

STAR PLAYER: … Gylfi Sigurdsson I guess…

AND NOW A PARTY POLITICAL BROADCAST BY THE MONSTER RAVING LOONEY PARTY

Hello everybody. Come on. You may as well vote for us. Not like we’re going to do a worse job than is currently being done.

THAT WAS A PARTY POLITICAL BROADCAST BY THE MONSTER RAVING LOONEY PARTY

We hope you have enjoyed this communication from the office Jemmett Fox-sponsored World Cup 2018 Sweepstake Draw, and we hope you get the chance to enjoy our communications again. Thank you for reading. Goodbye.